The Art of Breaking Bad News - Part Three

So I've talked about when not to break bad news, I've talked about when to break bad news.  Now, lets consider whether or not to break it at all.

Do:
If it's yours to tell.
If it's true.
If the knowing will be valuable to the person to whom you are breaking said news.
If it involves people about whom the or she cares.


Don't:
If it isn't yours to tell. If you're telling best friend B that best friend A's husband was seen stepping out with friend D by friend E, it isn't yours to tell, it's called gossip and will earn you an F in trustworthiness
If you're not sure it's accurate.  75% isn't good enough.
If knowing can not possibly be of value to the person to whom you are breaking said news. If it's unrelated bad news, or bad news for bad news' sake, why would you burden him or her with it?
If you have promised someone else not to share it because, as above, it isn't yours to tell.

The Art of Breaking Bad News- Part Two

When to break bad news: when time is not an issue. As I said last time I pontificated on how to break bad news, this is advice for when there is nothing to be done, nothing to be lost in the waiting an hour, a day.

Wait until the person you have to tell the bad news to has a moment.

1. Do not interrupt their doing something that needs doing and will complicate their day/week/month if it isn't done correctly.

2.  DO:  If the bad news is expected, perhaps they will ask.  For instance, if you are coming from the hospital where great-grandma has been barely hanging on to life, you're likely to get the question earlier than later, and the asker won't ask until they are ready to deal with the information

3. DO: Ask for a moment to talk about something serious.  Something as simple as "would you like me to make you some tea, I have something I need to tell you."  This helps them mentally prepare for bad news, and if it's a horrid time for them to get any more bad news, they have the opportunity to say "hey, can it wait?"

4. DO NOT: Though it may be tempting, do not interrupt a relaxed and much anticipated moment, such as a pleasant dinner after a really hard day or that television series' season premier for which they've waited 8 months and specifically structured their schedule to carve out the time for.  No, this is not a TiVo moment.  When there is nothing to be done, at all, except cope with the news, then the recipient of the news has the right to enjoy the things to which they've been looking forward.

5. DO: Convey the news when you're alone with the person or persons to whom you must tell the bad news.  No sense sharing their bad news with unconcerned parties in front of whom they will not feel comfortable responding authentically, but rather feel the need to mask their emotions.

Examples of good opportunities for breaking bad news:
Over coffee
Over ice cream
On a walk
In the car when tensions aren't too high
In a place the recipient of the news feels comfortable - kitchens are great for this, and meal preparation gives the recipient something else to focus on in the name of moving forward, just be sure to be ready to order take-out if it goes poorly
When an associated topic comes up in conversation.

The Art of Breaking Bad News

The following apply if there is absolutely nothing to be done. No changing the fact, no last moments to be lost, nothing but informing, no shock to be lessened lest one see it without forewarning.

1. Do not wake a person from a deep sleep.  All you will have done is ensure that they will lay awake upset and worried as opposed to being rested to deal with the news.

2 Do not meet them at the front door and announce the bad news before they can come in, set their things down, and catch their breath All you've done is make homecoming unpleasant and put them on the defensive.

3. See one and two.

Thank you.

On Subsequent Showers

When you see a newborn baby, can you tell, by looking just at the baby, what that baby's birth order was?  No, you really can't.

Not even at 3 months

When I was pregnant with my second child, and excited about my upcoming shower, a usually very nice woman looked at me, aghast, and said "you don't get to have a shower for your second baby.  That's just wrong.  Showers are for first babies."  She proceeded to go on about how second showers are greedy and in poor taste.

If felt like getting slapped, and I have to say, took a lot of enjoyment out of my baby shower, the following weekend.  It upset me so much that I still feel punched in the gut about it and my baby is nearly a year and a half old.  Of course, when I said "my daughter is 10 years old, we have no baby stuff, and I never had a shower when I was pregnant for her, so what, then I just don't get one ever?" she backpedaled, a little.  She did add "well, if you didn't invite anyone who may have sent a gift for her, I guess it's alright."

No. It's not alright.  It's good, and wonderful, and exciting.

Showers are celebrations of the coming life and ways for communities of friends and family to come together to meet the needs of the soon-to-be-born baby and lift the spirits of the tired mother, presumably in her third trimester, or as more and more often done, the exhausted new mother.

Even women whose children are born less than 2 years apart are likely to have given away much of their newborn gear to a friend or relative, if one is inclined to use sposies, they're always in need, as are things like wipes and other non-renewable things.

In about two hours, I'm heading to a baby shower, for a second baby, of a dear friend of mine.  This baby will be some 5 years younger than her brother. I know for a fact that this mother has given away most of her baby gear since the birth of her son, as we rocked her co-sleeper and Boppy, are still rocking her high-chair, and lots and lots of other baby paraphernalia, and we weren't the first fortunate recipients of her son's hand-me-downs.  Yet, when I tweeted that my friend was having a shower the other day, some people started in with the "subsequent showers are greedy" script.

No. They are not greedy.

In this case, the mom didn't run out and register for all the things she wants, and the friend hosting sent out a low key invitation asking for loved but lovable hand-me-downs.  Me? I made a quilt similar to the one I made for her big brother five years ago. I might also be bringing some prefolds, because lets face it, every house needs them, even when you're planning on going sposie.  My mom plans to bring some zinc oxide butt cream and some icky nasty sposies, just like she would for a first baby's shower. Why?  Because the people who say that gifting a subsequent child and preparing for their birth is selfish have missed the point.  It's not about how many times you give to a specific family, whether the second or the fifth child. It's about being there for the mom, supporting and welcoming the kidlets to come.

There is no law saying that because you went in to buy the $300 stroller and carseat combo last time that you have to spend as much for a second child, maybe $15 on a sweater and hat or $5 on a new pack of bibs, a sweet lovey/skullie or maybe even a little baby sized sock monkey. I prefer handmade myself, but this isn't about me.  It's about welcoming and preparing for a new baby.  You can even bring something small for the older sibling. It's all good.  Show up, spread the love. That's the point.

So before you get all irritable the next time you hear someone is having a second, or a third, or a fourth baby shower, remember, there are always things, even small inexpensive things, like infant nail clippers which retail for $1.50, which will make the family more ready for the baby, and give everyone a great opportunity to get together and send a strong message of support to the mother.

Hate the "stuff" part of showers but want to support a mom who really does have everything?  Why not give her a Blessing Way instead of a shower?  None of the naysayers can effectively argue that heaping blessings on a mama is selfish and inappropriate.

Twitter Etiquette: Lesson 1

First, Let me say, I'm addicted to Twitter.  I love nearly everything about it.  I love how its one great big chat room where you get to pick who is in yours and interact as much as you want to, or not.  And while there seem to be very few rules on Twitter, here are a couple that if more people followed, we'd all get along better.


1. Don't Auto DM me. DMing, or Direct Messaging, is a great tool for sharing information that simply doesn't need to be public, whether it's your email address, a personal note of thanks, or simply a message you don't want to clog the tweet stream with, DMs are fabulous.  I love DMs. I love them so much, I, like many others, even get email notifications of new DMs.  I also get my email on my cell phone.  When I have new email on my cell phone, a little red light blinks. And blinks.  But Auto DMs, impersonal and generic, usually something along the lines of "Thanks for following, please check out my website/e-store/blog/colonoscopy pics," really irritate me.  Why? Because they get sent to my email. Which gets sent to my phone. Which beeps red until I open it.  And foolishly, when I see I got a Direct Message, I usually get excited that someone thought of me and wanted to have a conversation, which, because I'm a nerd, makes me feel a little excited.  However, when I stop what I'm doing to check my Direct Messages and find it to only be said invitation to see colonoscopy pics or someone's site, it's really irritating.  At this point, I've wasted my time, gotten my hopes up and been let down, and I've also questioned whether or not I should have followed the Auto DMer.  In that moment, I know I won't be recommending the offender for #FollowFriday.  


2.  Non-sequitur linking. Do not @ respond to a question about sewing with a link to your site about air filters.  It's rude, off topic, and ultimately going to lose sales.  No one wants to buy from someone who uses disreputable marketing.


3. Half-tweeting.  Do not RT (retweet) the half of a tweet that agrees with your world-view and leave out the half that makes the point the tweeter was originally trying to make.  It's lazy, tacky, and rude.
For example, if someone tweets, "breastfeeding didn't work for my first baby, so we used formula, but I grieve the nursing relationship we could have had."  Do not even consider half-tweeting it as "breastfeeding didn't work for my first baby, so we used formula."  
Or, if someone tweets "Yeah, I like iguanas, except for the part I hate them." Don't half tweet "Yeah, I like iguanas."  Just don't do it.


4. Be polite, children.  Ultimately, remember that for the most part, there is a human being with different thoughts and experiences, but ultimately with the same human feelings as you sitting at the other end of that twitter account, and have a little human decency.