Friday, November 23, 2012

The Choice to Fail.

Sometimes we set goals and fail to reach them, then with defeated yet defiant fists raised heavenward, we curse our obstacles and vow to overcome them in the future.

This is not that time.

This time I have made a choice to fail at a goal I set for myself, because it is the right thing to do. You see, it is November, and I set out to pwn NaNoWriMo like I do every time I set out to start. I have never begun without finishing.

On November 21st, with over 20,000 words written and a good pace established in a story I love, I made the choice to stop.

Right?

I know.

At the same time, I made the commitment to spend the time my son needs me to spend, in order to help him transition from nursing to not nursing at all any more, with him.

It sounds like a small thing. A few extra hugs, a few extra kisses. It shouldn't be a big deal, but it turns out, it is. He wakes in a panic when I shift away from him in bed at night, he can not sleep unless I am beside him. While he grows ever more independent, he also demands more immediacy of my presence when he wants me. He worries that if I am not nursing him any more, that maybe more than just that aspect of our relationship is changing.

Of course, it is, and it scares us both, but I can not press reset and let us all go back to when he was a baby, and even if I could, the past is a lovely place to visit, but we don't really want to live there.

So I will not be reaching 50,000 words. I know, even now with only six days left, I could pull the nearly 30,000 words out of thin air and make this story come together if I really wanted to. If I was willing to prioritize my novel, I have that in me. But I don't want to. I don't want to snuggle up next to my boy and continuously be testing how deeply he is sleeping in the hopes that at any moment I can pull my arm away and go write. I do not want to be counting the seconds until I can sneak off to write. I want to enjoy the cuddles and be present for him. I want to be available when he needs me.

I have chosen to fail this time, and it's okay. Just this once, I will not finish NaNoWriMo. It really is okay, no, it's better than okay, it's good.

0 reflections: